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contemplative

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夢に棲みたい。

私の生活が連続的に前方へ動く；私はしっかり私が精通していることをしっかりつかむことを望みます。 私が知っていること。 大きくなることは恐しいです。

I want to live in a dream.

As my life moves continuously forward; I want to hold on tightly to what I am familiar with.

Growing up is scary.

 There always seems to be something in the world that shakes my belief in humanity.

 I just watched a small interview with the mother of Matthew Shepard. Her son was brutally tied to a fence with his own shoelaces and left for dead after a severe beating given to him because he was gay.

 I don't understand how human beings can kill one another because of their skin color or sexual orientation. I can’t help believing that the kind of hate that is more dangerous; is not the kind that leaves a young man hanging on a fence, but the more insidious, hidden kind that lives right along beside him year after year after year, telling gay jokes or laughing at the ones told by co-workers, making snide remarks about how gay something is, disparaging the photographs of gay partners in the newspaper.

 In a way I think all the gay jokes promote discrimination towards those who are homosexual. We expect them to fit the stereotypical mold we have of them. It is sad. I think that if you are homosexual it is just a part of who you are as a whole; it doesn't make you any different than who you were before.

October 12th is the anniversary of Matthew Shepard's death. R.I.P.

[	Current Mood	|	indescribable	]
[	Current Music	|	Lovesongs ( they kill me ) - Cinema Bizarre	]

 This week just keeps going on and on; I really wish it would end already.

  I feel as though I have suddenly matured in different ways.

I think differently, I feel differently, I love differently and I need differently.

I find myself shrugging things off that I realise are not so important as they seemed yesterday.
But on the other hand I find myself wanting to do things; that before never really concerned me.

I feel eager to do the things I have not done yet in my life. Such as smoking. I never really thought about even trying it before; but suddenly I am thinking about it quiet a bit. It certainly is not peer pressure of any sort, maybe it is my rebellious stage that has been a long time coming I think. but maybe I see it as something that is okay to do - probably because dad has been smoking for a while now and I have become used to it. I don't think that I will act on this strange urge of mine...manly because I realize I have an addicting personality. Like drinking...I have only done it twice, I don't particularly like it..but I do it anyway.

  I really have found myself wishing that I had a boyfriend.  I don't know if jealousy quite describes how I feel when I see other people together. I always find myself thinking " why them?" " Why not me?" And it is not in the sense that I like their boyfriend. It's just...why?  I mean I see girls that...to be mean I would classify them as 'ugly' or ' I don't think that I am that ugly' - and they have boyfriends. " What do they have that I don't have?" It makes me wonder if I give off some sort of strange vibe; like coming off too needy or something like that.  I mean I have no shortage of male friends...I just don't know if the male population sees me as un-date worthy or something.

 But yeah..I just want that kind of thing in my life. To be loved? by someone other than my family and friends.

I WANT A BOYFRIEND~~! D:

It is really kind of lame and yeah it is just lame.

:B

誰かの死のニュースを聞くことは奇妙です。

今日、私の友人の祖父は病院での２週間の後に死亡しました。

彼がもう苦しんでいないことは良いです、しかしその１習慣が再び彼を見ることは本当に知るべき奇妙な感じです・・・

そして私が彼に会った最後の時は彼が救急車に載せられていた時であったことを知ることは不快です。

私は今回私の友人の家族に私の祈りと同情を与える。

最近、私は普通の風邪にかかりました。

それが、私が合計３日間のクラスを欠席するという結果になったから、私は失望しています。

しかしながら、私が今回の間に多くをミスしなかった、それは幸運です。

全体的に、学校は多忙なスタートを持っている、しかし今年気分良く感じます。

これは私の生活の残りの始まりです。

頑張りましょう！

・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・・

It is strange to hear the news of someone’s death.　

　Today, my friend's grandfather passed away after 2 weeks in the hospital.

　It is good that he is no longer suffering, but it is a strange feeling indeed to know that I won't see him again...and it is discomforting to know that the last time I saw him was when he was being loaded into the ambulance...

I give my friend's family my prayers and sympathy in this time.

Recently, I have come down with the common cold. I am disappointed because it has resulted in me missing a total of 3 days of class. However, it is lucky as I have not missed much during this time.

Overall,School has had a hectic start, but this year feels good.

This is the beginning of the rest of my life. Let's work hard!

[	Tags	|	choices, cynical, home, sleep	]
[	Current Mood	|	frustrated	]

 I think I have become a little more cynical.
It could be that I am a little grumpy today, but.. I am not really sure. 

This years holidays were not very festive.  I probably wouldn`t have realised it was Christmas - had I not remembered to phone my parents and wish them Merry Christmas.  New Year wasn`t much better.  We had a `special dinner` which consisted of lots of Japanese veggies I can`t get the hang of eating. So I ate gobo, potatoes and carrots.  Our `special breakfast` consisted of the same items.  I didn`t eat alot.  We were supposed to go to a shrine to welcome in the New Year. But after breakfast I took a nap and didnt wake up so I didn`t get to go.

That nap, was the first that day. Infact that day was very messed up for sleep. I fell asleep at 2:00am and had to wake up at 9:00am  for our `special` breakfast, but I was so tired, that I went and took a nap before we were to go to the shrine at 12:00 (- only i didn`t wake up so they left without me.)  I woke up 1:00pm and checked my email and talked to a few people before taking another nap at 3:30pm  and didnt wake up until 6:30pm for another `special` supper.    After I talked to Jordan - who helpfully asked if I was anemic - which then kind of clicked in my head - why didnt I think of that?  I hadn`t been taking my pills for 2 or so months. D-:

I had a bad experiance eating something called mochi? White and sticky. It felt like it was sticking to my mouth and in my throat. Twice I thought I was going to have to go to the bathroom to forcefully remove it. It wasnt fun.

I wish time was going by faster.  I asked mom to check with the principal back home if I could join in for second semester and get credits - also asking if there was any credit I could bring back so far from Japan.   But mom can`t go ask until school starts the 7th or 8th.( And she doesnt know when she is going )  So I am becoming impatient in waiting.

I think I have pretty much given up on staying. Going home is on my mind alot - even when I am really enjoying myself - which I have been for the past week.  I dont think [I am going home]. But it is always I want  to go home.

There is many things I want to do back home this year. But remaining in Japan is hindering that. I know I should be making the best of being in Japan. But I am not. I have been really trying lately.  I have been talking more. and trying to go to places when my host family asks if I would like to go. But the happiness I get from that is fleeting at best, and I always at the end of the day want to go home.

I hate to thinking that [ Hey, what is the point in going home? You`ve only got 5 more months left.] Thinking along those lines always brings out the pessimistic side of me. [5 more months? That`s 178 more days pal - can  you really stay for that many days?]

When the time comes, I really hope I make the right choice, but right now I think my choice is to go back home and  take the important classes for grade 11 and do all the things I want to do back home. 

[	Tags	|	brother, email, host family, japan, lonely, phone, sad	]
[	Current Mood	|	distressed	]
[	Current Music	|	SID - なつこい	]

I dont know.
 

I really don`t.

I miss Canada. I can say that without hesitation. But more than Canada, I miss the people in it.                      

My family, friends...

More often than I should, I often find myself thinking I would have been better off staying in Canada; rather than coming to Japan.   I don`t know why I feel the way I do.  I mean, coming to Japan has been my dream for so many years.

But... something isn`t making Japan what I thought it would be. And you know, I don`t remember what I expected to encounter here.

I don`t know if it is my host family that is making me not enjoy my time here so far.  I mean. I am eternally gratefull that they took me into their home -especially for 10 months. I have been here for - well I am in my 4th month now. But I still don`t feel like a part of their family.   I am told their plans at the very last moment.  They don`t make an effort to include me in their conversations. - And on more than one account they have asked me downstairs to meet their family-friends. But not once in those occasions have they EVER tried to include me in their conversations.  I end up sitting there bored out of my mind. They will look my way every...5- 10 minutes. But never have they told me I can go back to what I was doing. So I end up feeling very rude when I ask to leave...

Alot of times, when I am by myself. I usually find myself resenting my host-family. Because they make me feel left out. They expect me to be able to go every where by myself.  Shinjuku, Shibuya, Chofu.. but it is hard if you havent made the trip before - but then, there I have myself to blame. They offer to take me to those areas ( When they go), but I always decline - cause if I go with the host sister we split up at the mall and go our different ways until we meet again to leave. If I go with the mom..it will either be the same - or she`ll follow me pointing out things that I already know.

I always find myself distancing myself away from them. Especially my host mom.  When I write in my Journal it went from Okaasan to Host mom to Asako`s mom. Next is probably ` the lady who I am staying with.`

 I find it utterly pathetic, but ..a couple days back - I realised I have only truly laughed once , since arriving in Japan. And that was when a group of little kids were calling my male classmates - perverts and Old men - during the school cultural festival.  When I came  upon this realization - it was because I had spelt `bodily` as `bidily`. - I laughed less than 30 seconds and it hurt.

Aa~.I am making myself homesick.

I want to make it to the end of 10 months. I really do. But I dont know if I can. Fairly soon my home life here will change. My other host sister and her family will be coming to live with us for the remainder of my stay, because she will have another baby in June. I am not open to living with 5 other people. Her husband is nice- but too nice. Her baby is - a baby. I have never grown up around little kids - so I am really uneasy to suddenly have to live with one. And then there is my host sister. Something about her I just don`t like. She`s nice. But...

The worst thing is, even when she and the baby come over  - I avoid them at all costs. If she is in one room - I will go anywhere but that room.  When she does stay over night - I eat quickly, shower earlier and `go to bed` earlier. I do not even know why. It is like an instinct to avoid her .

Lately..I don`t know why, but I have lost practically all my appitiet for food. I don`t want to eat. Some foods smell alone makes my stomache lurch - not because they smell bad. Just because I have a next to nil appitiet.  I am quiet concerned by this. I only get hungry around 1:00 in the after noon - can eat a mandarin and be full till nearly 8:00 pm. That maybe a little bit of an exaggeration - but not by much.

  I think proof of my `un-happiness` here is the rate I spend calling home to family or friends - the long hours I can and would talk to them. And the rate I am on the computer emailing them.

I never want to tell them that I am unhappy here -cause they have all put sooo much into me coming here. Helping me achieve my dream of Japan earlier than even I expected.   And I don`t want to let them down by not making the best  of my time here.  But ... I think I am so lonely here. I can`t `talk` with anyone my age and I feel left out alot because of it.  I want to talk to them. But. What to say - can I say it? Will I understand their answer?  There are too many questions - so I stay silent. And the silence I think is slowly killing what remaining hope and happiness I have here.

In the end of all my thoughts... The conclusion I always make is - I want to be home. I would be happier for it.

My loneliness here has gotten quite bad. I even want to talk to my brother alot. When normally in a day I may say 2 words to him.  But when I message him on Facebook - it is nearly paragraph after paragraph of useless ramblings just because I can talk to him. And in the end it is a short, curt laugh - because I have no one else to talk to except him. The brother I used to claim I hate - but now really miss.

I want to go home.  I have to much free time here. and it feels completely wasted. I email my friends - they dont email back because they are too busy.   Family - is busy usually. 

I really, really....just..want to go home.

[	Tags	|	adobe, adobe photoshop 7.0, art, art class, bjd, japan, paint, teacher, watercolor	]
[	Current Location	|	school lab 328	]
[	Current Mood	|	morose	]

Art class.
Needless to say has not been the best place for me in the last few days. 

  We're doing watercolor which in itself isn't so bad.  But once you have to start asking if the teacher thinks it's complete or not... well you enter a new phase from there. 
Three days it took me to complete a simple warm/cool painting, because every time I went up to see if I could finally put the painting aside and work on my analogous painting.. he would send me back to add something or fixs something up.
  I understand that he is the art teacher and such. But I really don't like having people tell me what to do for my painting.  I thought it looked fine the first time I went up to show him, but each time he would send me back to make it better, to add something. It was a pain to sat the least.  The end result, a painting I really just don't like. :|

It might of just been the fact that the emotion portrayed in the painting was anger and the character was Kanda ( D. Gray man ), but I would be in a good mood when I entered the class but when I left I would be seething << well not seething but definately not in the chiper mood I was in when I entered. :o

The thing that got me today was that after I fixed something up agian, I went back up to him and asked him if I could finally put the painting away. He said if I was happy.  >__<  That really annoyed me. I was far beyond happy. As I had to conform to what HE thought would make my painting better.   But I kept my mouth shut, and set to work on my new painting.  But I think that the new painting was a breath of fresh air, as soon as I put the brush to the paper any resentment I was harbouring seemed to be whisked away ( Out of sight out of mind ).

  I have been kept on my toes for this week.  Monday, school, University class 7-9:30. Tuesday, school, Confed center. Wedensday, school, University class 7-9:30.    Thank god it is Thursday! I officially almost have a clean schedule for the next few days ;__;

On the bright side. I have been downloading Adobe Photoshop 7.0 since Sunday ( I have been so busy I haven't been able to check wether it is complete and use it >__< )  I really am glad I finally decided to download it. I mean I went and asked my parents to get me a tablet, but I didn't really have a concrete reason to use one. So unfortunately It was probably something I could have done with out for at least a little while. But all that has changed now, I have Adobe! I could really care less if it is out dated or the like. I finally have a need for my tablet.  Now I just have to get to drawing >__>;;

I have quite a few test and project due dates coming up, so right now it still doesn't look like I'll be testing it out for at least another week. Or more. Because exams are coming up ( again! ). 

I have so little time left here! ;__;  It seems like I have a month to get all of this stuff done before I take off have way around the world. v__v

I really want to sleep right now and yeah. Sleep.

I want a BJD. ;__;
so expensive. but oh so pretty.  *__*
I'll save up for one or two or three....
some day. someday far faar away.  ;__;

[	Tags	|	cd, cd`s, delete, itunes, quicktime player	]
[	Current Mood	|	infuriated	]
[	Current Music	|	NONE...what do you expect.	]

Then I noticed that annoying little GUICKTIME player that has been interfering with EVERYTHING I open on this computer. So i deleted it. 
Only to click itunes the next minute having it say  " no Quick time player was found. Please re-install..."
 I grumpled and went on the hunt for apple`s Quicktime, found it, downloaded it.  Only to click itunes and find out it still wasn`t working ... so I read the box more carefully.
" No quicktime player was found. Please re-install ITUNES. "  

So i was successfully enraged again.

Then I noticed this weird little document thing. on my desk top. 
I clicked it and found ALL MY SONGS.   IN FUXING READ ME FORMAT.  SO MAD.

So that Has been my day thus far and it is only 8:30 AM.
Can I go crawl into a hole now?  ( on second thought.. it would probably be unstable and collapse. )
 
And I still didn`t find those DARN CD`S!!!

Boring. Out in Public anyway.
Home? Totally Pajama pants all the time!  :D

[	Current Location	|	computer area.	]
[	Current Mood	|	cheerful	]
[	Current Music	|	Nightmare-VARUNA	]

I have learned today , that a single spoon can offset the delicate equilibrium of dishes. 

I don`t know why I decided to grab up a Livejournal thing.
I do spontaneous things like this often.
I suppose..my reasoning is because I`ve been spamming the Jrock forums and communities here and it`s like...
backlogged my Internet Favs..and getting LJ would somehow free the congestion up somehow.?

Now I get to go community hunting!  YEAH!
Maybe post some junk and...I don`t know...Fangirl?

>////<  Ja matte

course...given I work out all the interesting things here. :3